And with said occasion, you see, comes a variety of novelty music which is kitschy as heck with the same amount of charm as my left foot. You would think that people would get sick of celebrating Christmas the same way for twenty centuries, but hey, each to their own.
I'm allergic to sleigh bells almost as much as I'm allergic to the song 'Tomorrow' from that abominable musical Annie, and so every year when the carols come up on the radio or some random dude is singing on a street corner I just want to squash someone with a Biggest Loser contestant in a red suit.
But never fear, hipsters and closeted hipsters alike! In the light of Sydney's new 'Hipster Santa', whose band plays indie covers of carols, I've collated some alternative covers to keep you entertained this silly season (without the help of an extra eggnog, of course).
MERRY INDIE CHRISTMAS
Artist Adam Horne makes various well-known novelty songs and socially idiosyncratic tunes in the styles of indie artists with tongue-in-cheek artistic stereotypes and quirks.
So this was released in 2012, but it's basically carols
parodying performing in the style of some heavy weight alt and rock acts (such as Bon Iver, Mumford & Sons and The xx).
The only fault I can find with this is that each track is only thirty-seconds long or so, but again it's just for laughs really.
The xx one is my favourite though because HIS ROMY MADLEY CROFT IMPRESSION IS FREAKING AMAZING.
Here are my top five picks for this silly season:
1. Band of Horses - The First Song
Firstly, it's Band of Horses. The new wave/dream pop revival guitar wall of sound is such a wonderful flashback to hazy 90's shoegaze and influences like The Jesus and Mary Chain and The Cocteau Twins, with dashes of Crystal Castles and even Beach House in there. Ben Bridwell's arousing crooning over the top sets the standard pretty high for indie Christmas carols - it takes the you-didn't-even-know-this-was-a-song-about-Christmas-stance. But then again, you'd be forgiven for thinking this was another indie tune with just the word Christmas thrown in to startle the discerning hipster.
2. Hey Rosetta! - Carry Me Home
We've established that Christmas celebrations get a bit icky after repetition again and again, and so eventually people hit that age where they rock up to someone's party and simply launches themselves into the nearest bottle of whiskey. This is this song.
Hey Rosetta! cleverly masquerade the drunken lyrics with their delightfully cheery disposition and stride bass. It's a celebration of a lack thereof in itself, and this song is pretty feel good and shoulder-swinging as songs about alcohol and homesickness with reference to saints go.
3. Bright Eyes - White Christmas
I've never had a White Christmas - heck, I've never even seen snow. But I can imagine listening to this song while it snows - the music is so poignant and delicate, you could probably hear it melting if you left it out too long (weird analogy I know, but you get the idea). The beautiful acoustic picking in the background grounds the smooth vocals and I can imagine that if White Christmases are the same as on those dodgy Christmas cards, it would sound like this.
4. The Civil Wars - I Heard The Bells On Christmas Day
If I was ever stuck out in the Mojave Desert with nothing but a spile and a solar-powered iPod, I'd probably just be listening to the bluesy-folk of the Civil Wars as I drained cactuses of their juice and tried to make tequila.
Since Christmas in Australia is essentially the Mojave Desert anyway, this song will fit into festivities (or whatever you hipsters call your gatherings - "esoteric phrontisteries", you say?) with its breathy vocal harmonies and the undeniable sense of longing (probably for a decent present this year).
As usual the guitar work of The Civil Wars, no matter how simple it appears, is wonderfully crafted and serves as a solid backdrop to the golden croonings of Joy Williams and Paul White).
5. The White Stripes - Candy Cane Children
If I were reading this post I'd probably think this was some bogus post and that the writer was actually going to Rickroll somebody or other. The White Stripes made some weirdo kitschy (albeit 'alternative') Christmas song?!
Apparently they did. I was just as surprised as you lot, but it's pretty good just like all of their deliciously lo-fi, grungy I-don't-give-a-damn-we're-siblings-okay stuff.
So there we have it. Have a wonderfully alternative Christmas what with your vegan turkey and coeliac macarons and what not, people.